@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

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@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@JohnHilsen

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@jnapsalot

Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink.

I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.

@roostermustache

[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU

@filthyson

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*