9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You Might Also Like
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”
Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink.
I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
There should be more Christmas tunes about vengeance.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*