I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.