I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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bad news gang
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Finally! 😈
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope