Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

thinking about a very short hotdog

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.