Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Ah yes. The three genders

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

So the ex texted me

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Bruh PLEASE

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*