@slimmy_shady

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

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@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@DaddyJew

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@thingsbydan

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@captainkalvis

Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs

@suecorvette

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly