Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip