I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.