I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.