I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.