I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Sheep
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.