Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Pretty much! 😂👀

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs