I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
had to make it
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.