Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1097228545426890754/pu/vid/640x640/K_lK50JZR278XCMs.mp4?tag=6

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.