I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.