I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
🤣
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
titanic
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.