Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Yup….perfect score!

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

The human personality is made of five key elements

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you