I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
same bro
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate