I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
How funny!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Perfect
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Short story
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*