I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal