I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Every time.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
