I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
groan^2
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart