I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*