Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.