I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Unimpressed
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
This was a bad idea all around
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show