I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.