I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
