I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My life in a nutshell
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
#ProTip
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap