I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
You Might Also Like
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Venn
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there