Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

how was your vacation

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Bed should get ready for ME