Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.