I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
#polloftheday
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators