I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
#ParentingFacts
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid