Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.