Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.