I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.