I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
the Monday after daylight savings
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.