I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Never forget.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY