I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You Might Also Like
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The only good comments section online is on recipes