I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.