@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

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@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@SofieHagen

So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

@neiltyson

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

@RawBeanCoal

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@badAzz_mom

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348