Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.