Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.