Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me: