I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You Might Also Like
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.