Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what