Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Good point.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*