I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up