I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
