I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”