I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
DOOO EEEET
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter