Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

fired

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Customer is always right

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.