Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If ur Twitter feed is toxic af here you have a refresh
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.