Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
fourth time’s the charm
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team