Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence