Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃