Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

ㅤ

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”