I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”