BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I am yelling
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home