Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Meow

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.