Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Why I divorced her.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.