Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Muppet Screams

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.