Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was my dad’s browser history.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

hello pervert is such a strong opener

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.