Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Just me and my debit card against the world

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.