i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.