Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”